Rainbow Pregnancy


I have been through 2 rainbow pregnancies. These are new pregnancies that follow a loss.

My first was L, we’d been trying for over a year got pregnant and by 5 weeks confirmed I was having an early miscarriage.

Two months later I was pregnant again but I didn’t find out till I was 6/7 weeks along partly due to my fear of knowing. I reasoned if I was to lose baby then I was better not knowing beforehand.

I ended up paying for a reassurance scan at 9 weeks and there was my lovely rainbow!

The anxiety never stopped and I often thought baby had died. As we both grew and I felt him more the anxiety never really faded but i could reason he was probably ok.

Four years later another rainbow but this time I had experienced a stillbirth at nearly 7 months of pregnancy and then 10 months later I woke from emergency surgery after a ruptured ectopic losing one tube plus what was to be our rainbow.

This new pregnancy was scary! Not only did I have the fear of another ectopic but I had the fear of a stillbirth of which could occur any time up till baby was in my arms.

My pregnancy was filled with fear and anxiety but also guilt. Would my daughter think I had replaced her, what if I didn’t love this baby because it wasn’t my daughter.

I wrote a post about trying for a rainbow being hard and how those pregnant seem to think they are experiencing worse. I wrote that post over a year ago and looking back I never once felt worse off.

Often I felt regret at conceiving because I felt I couldn’t cope but I remember feeling so so lucky i achieved what I longed for and what so many were still struggling to gain. Why would I think that so much harder than not having it.

My pregnancy between rainbows however was my worse. My anxiety was through the roof, I felt so sure I would lose this baby. That feeling increased when I find out she was our first girl our one and only daughter forever.


R’s Birth Story


R is our 2nd rainbow baby after having a stillbirth at 27 weeks then ruptured ectopic 10 months after.

He is understandably very special after an anxious pregnancy full of confusion, grief, happiness, fear and worry. Much more than L’s pregnancy.

I developed gestational diabetes also so they wanted to not allow me passed 40 weeks. However due to my overwhelming anxiety they agreed to induce me at 38 weeks.

We went on Sunday for the first stage. We arrived at 10 but didn’t get seen till 11. I had to have half hour monitoring and a cervix check then the first pessary went in. This was called propess and had to go in for 24 hours.

I had a few niggles but nothing major and by following morning we knew it was looking at long process. After more monitoring and another pessary I wanted again. My partner at this point went home.

The second pessary was a gel that only lasted 6 hours as soon as it was in I felt a burning sensation which continued. I went off for walks and bounced on a ball to keep the waves coming which they did!!

4 hours in it all stopped. I had cramps but nothing else no amount of walking was bringing them back on. I reluctantly agreed to a second pessary after asking for a csection. It was choice of try it or wait the night out without so i agreed.

They took me to a private room to get a breather but turns out it was the post care room i had stayed with Elva so i went back to the ward

Come morning after getting no sleep with pain through my hips and noisy ward sharers i was more insistent on either getting a section or going home. By now it was Tuesday and my 3rd day there.

. Again I insisted I needed to be home so a consultant came and agreed a 3rd pessary would do no good and we would try to break my waters then go on a drip. He noticed my previous stillbirth on my notes and in 3 days was only one to acknowledge the effect that was having on me…. I cried ….. a lot!!!

I was again checked and was now a 2-3 cm so the pains did something!!

Waters broken i had 4 hours to show progress or they’d pop me on the drip to really crank it up. By this point my partner was back and I felt calmer that we were being proactive.

Still though contractions weren’t cranking up so on the drip I went. That was pushed up twice and still not a lot was happening then we lost the trace on his heart.

He had done a big kick so assumed he had moved. After them checking and making me lie down to find it again they suspected we hadn’t lost it due to movement and he infact had a rather dramatic heart rate dip.

I was checked again and a hand not a head was felt. Baby wasn’t pushing his head down so no wonder nothing was happening. The consultants felt it best to go ahead with the csection at which he apologised after persuading me to go ahead with breaking my waters and the induction process.

They spotted my cannula for the drip had blown up my hand and I think contributed to it not working properly. At this point for whatever reasons the signs were there labour couldn’t happen and things like baby’s hand in the way and drip not working were stopping it going full flow.

Off we traipsed to the operating theatre. They gave me a spinal block that worked better in one side than other so was slight delay getting started.

As they cut through i was breathing deep to overcome the sicky sensation the tugging about gave me. I felt baby lifted out and they said he was fine and just needed a clean.

All of a sudden a little cry sounded out and I burst into tears. My partner was beaming and because they wanted to check his apgar scores I was shown a picture of his face.

As he consultant had read my birth plan he allowed the cut to be left long so my partner could still cut the cord, i was also allowed skin to skin.

I then got to hold him and the feeling of holding a breathing baby after years of grieving a stillborn one was amazing. He instantly calmed when he was put on me.

He was born at 5:08pm so i only went and missed my dinner!!! I was looking forward to that strawberry mousse.