Rainbow Pregnancy

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I have been through 2 rainbow pregnancies. These are new pregnancies that follow a loss.

My first was L, we’d been trying for over a year got pregnant and by 5 weeks confirmed I was having an early miscarriage.

Two months later I was pregnant again but I didn’t find out till I was 6/7 weeks along partly due to my fear of knowing. I reasoned if I was to lose baby then I was better not knowing beforehand.

I ended up paying for a reassurance scan at 9 weeks and there was my lovely rainbow!

The anxiety never stopped and I often thought baby had died. As we both grew and I felt him more the anxiety never really faded but i could reason he was probably ok.

Four years later another rainbow but this time I had experienced a stillbirth at nearly 7 months of pregnancy and then 10 months later I woke from emergency surgery after a ruptured ectopic losing one tube plus what was to be our rainbow.

This new pregnancy was scary! Not only did I have the fear of another ectopic but I had the fear of a stillbirth of which could occur any time up till baby was in my arms.

My pregnancy was filled with fear and anxiety but also guilt. Would my daughter think I had replaced her, what if I didn’t love this baby because it wasn’t my daughter.

I wrote a post about trying for a rainbow being hard and how those pregnant seem to think they are experiencing worse. I wrote that post over a year ago and looking back I never once felt worse off.

Often I felt regret at conceiving because I felt I couldn’t cope but I remember feeling so so lucky i achieved what I longed for and what so many were still struggling to gain. Why would I think that so much harder than not having it.

My pregnancy between rainbows however was my worse. My anxiety was through the roof, I felt so sure I would lose this baby. That feeling increased when I find out she was our first girl our one and only daughter forever.

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