I can’t do this

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Trying for a baby after a loss.

This is hard! I’m literally counting the days, analysing every twinge.

I go through waves of happiness, waves of anxiety, waves of grief and waves of overwhelming fear.

When I was trying and other rainbow mums would say how difficult the pregnancy is. How they weren’t in a better or happier place because they had fear now. They could lose another

I often thought yes but you are in a better place as you have hope and something to look forward to.

Now I know what they meant but you know I still feel the same way it is hard but its harder being without.

So many mums don’t get a rainbow, so many do but have to wait a long time for it and others get it very quickly.

I’ve found the time waiting has been good in a way to grieve and move past that initial stage of grief the stage that wants you to be pregnant again RIGHT NOW!

I’ve been able to separate the pregnancies and want this baby for itself not for its healing or its hope. But it’s been a hard journey to here. Full of despair, foggy brain days, strong days, weak days, angry days. The end is not near but it’s coming and I know I’m the lucky one.

Until then I often feel I can’t do this. I often think of my daughter how it’s unfair she didn’t just get her chance to live. How technically this baby shouldn’t exist because had she lived she was to be my last. It’s a strange feeling having your last and then doing it all again knowing this baby was never meant to be and by some twisted fate they are.

I think of how we thought it would all be ok and wasn’t. I don’t know this will work out I may be devastated once again.

I think about how I wish I hadn’t wanted this because the fear is real. Noone can help me because they either don’t understand, don’t want to talk about it or have already done it and lost the ability to help.

Worse part there’s nothing I can do!

Rainbow-

 

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